Editing My Personal History

By:  Heather Cassandra Blessing, LMFT

A colleague of mine recently was discussing June being Pride Month.  She stated she believes everyone should live and let live but doesn't get why LGBTQ have to have "Pride Month".  She said as a therapist she doesn't care what goes on in the bedroom other than the parties are consenting and getting what they need out of their relationship.  I was around a few other people who I wasn't comfortable coming out to, so I let it go.

This is what is hard for me.  Not always can I use myself as a learning tool for people who do not understand why we need to make LGBTQ issues part of the normal conversation.  People don't realize how often you have to choose how you explain your personal history when you are not heterosexual or trans* or something outside of the majority.

Somehow it is easier in writing to explain or come out - maybe because then I don't have to deal with uncomfortable looks or not so nice looks in person.  So here is why I am writing this.

If I say I have been married 3 times, everyone assumes that it was to 3 different men.  Everyone assumes heterosexual relationships.  This is a common topic when getting to know people is are they married, how long, how many times have you been married and if you are among therapists or building friendships often what happened.  I am great at editing.  Marriage 1 - I was 17 when we met, after 15 years I changed and we parted friends and are great co-parents.  Marriage 2 - they were more committed to beer than to me.  Marriage 3 - madly in love and still going strong after more than 10 years together.   Sometimes I can get away from some probing questions with - its in the past or I don't really want to dwell on it.  But it leads to some issues when you mention you did something or you saw a concert and you cannot easily say with my 2nd husband.

So, yes my first marriage was to a man, but my second marriage was to a woman and my current marriage is to a wonderful transman although I don't think of him as transgender very often.  My second marriage to a woman was my shortest marriage, her relationship with beer was too much for our marriage.   We went to marriage counseling but the problem was neither therapist really understood the issues.  Both therapists said they were LGBTQ friendly, but friendly doesn't always mean they understand.  My wife was brought up in a very conservative Christian background and she dealt with a lot of self-hatred that she self-medicated with alcohol.  She constantly went back and forth about whether she wanted to be an out lesbian couple or "roommates" in front of people.  One therapist said well you can just tell people your married and not say much else.  So what are you supposed to say then when your boss wants to know if you and your husband are going to the company party.  Do you correct them or go with the old stand-by "Sorry we are busy".  Neither of the therapists understood how much the judgment of society affected our marriage.  How much it affected each of our own identities. 

This is something most heterosexual people don't have to worry about.  When talking about things you have done like a vacation you took, you don't say you and your second spouse went to Clear Lake, you can sex "one of my ex's and I went to Clear Lake", but then you have to struggle with pronouns.  "They hated the mosquitoes and got bit up - but it wasn't a problem for me sounds a bit odd."

Or there is the name edit.  If their name was Danielle you might switch it to Daniel if you know you are in a conservative crowd or shorten it to D.  You have to be careful about what pictures you have up in your house if you have people over that you don't want to know your past.  Facebook or other social media has to be edited in case someone comes across it. 

Then there are those strange questions that if you didn’t have to think about something so much you could have just said "that is kind of personal."  One of my bosses asked after my current husband and I got married if we were going to have any kids together.  It seemed easy to answer as it was a no.  He then went on to state that men often need to feel that they have a biological connection via a child and maybe I should make sure he didn't want any.  I stumbled and just said "we have already talked about it"  when really I should have just shut him down and said it is personal.

My personal favorite was me undergoing a female related procedure.  They asked if I could be pregnant and I said no.  They said how was I sure, I said I am on birth control.  They said it can fail and could I do a pregnancy test.  At this point I had already been fasting for 18 hours with no water for nearly 12 - I was not going to be able to do the quick pregnancy test.  They even talked about not doing the procedure until they could confirm it.  I was trying very hard not to out my current husband, and he could see I was flustered and stated he had silicon testicles.  The medical staff must have thought it was due to some accident or cancer and apologized and went ahead with the procedure. 

And then if you are out, the crazy personal questions you get from people.  When I was married to my wife, I had several people ask versions of "Would you let a guy watch?", "Have you considered having a man join your marriage?", "Do you scissor?", "How do lesbian's have sex?", "Who is the man?", "Do you use toys or who wears the strap-on?", "Have you ever had sex with a man before?", "Did someone molest you?", "Are you a man-hater?"  How many people get questions about their sex life?  I have never gotten those types of questions when people assume I am in a heterosexual relationship.

If people know I am married to a transman they ask questions like, "Have you ever been with a REAL man?", "How do you have sex?", "What does his lower half look like?" and so many other inappropriate things.  People never ask me such things if they don't know my husband is transgender.   *Please note - these are not the people and times I have told people to ask me anything - these are just random things asked or said by people who know the out me.

One of my biggest issues is my editing of my history and then actually becoming close enough to someone to come out.  It has caused some problems because sometimes they think I was being dishonest and not understanding that often editing is safer choice if you are not sure how people will react.  And safety is the reason that I often have to choose to edit my personal history.   Just a few months ago I gave a presentation at a company and afterwards, while walking out to my car, one of the men from the training followed me out telling me that if he could get me into bed he would show me what a REAL man could do.  I ignored him but he started sending emails with "dick pics" until I contacted the company and let them know.

Until LGBTQ do not have to edit their personal history because it is considered "normal" we do need Pride Month and Pride Events to get the information out there and normalized. 

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